How I feel at 25 years old, Fake Happy?

The easy answer is I don’t know what I feel but that’s not entire true. I feel a lot of things; sometimes all at once and sometimes just one.

I feel like I have always known what I had to do and what was next. Do well in school, I was always in honors classes, took as many AP courses as possible and got into many colleges. Do well in college, graduation was the goal, with honors preferred…graduated a semester early with the honors. 22 years old what was next; I was interested in law. Was I ready for law school not really, was I ready to go into the workforce…no; get masters; sure.

Fall 2020, my first week of graduate school; and I cried. I hated it, I had no idea what a masters degree would give me in life, now I am not saying that it isn’t good I just didn’t see how it would be good for me. I no longer wanted to do law school either; this was the beginning of feeling lost. After my break down I applied for a real job; you know the kind that you get insurance with. Got one and 3 years later, 25 years old; I have never felt more lost.

Of course there’s more that happened in those three years but more of that another time.

At 25

For 3 years I worked 12 hour night shifts at a hospital and if you’ve worked at a hospital before you know how hard it can be. Life or death situations are never easy. I lived 3 hours away from my family, now thats not that far but I had no car so I was missing a lot of family events and holidays. I isolated myself from all my friends, little to no contact; leaving me to feel the most lonely I’ve ever felt. Instagram saw me with a smile but really I was “fake happy”.

November 2023, I started this blog and quit my job. During the past three years I sacrificed a lot, the biggest being my mental health; but I was also planning something in the background of it. I had a dream to travel the world and thats what I am doing next.

Right Now I still feel lost; a lot of times depressed, especially when I think of past events and what I have to lose. But life is always uncertain and every step I take I ask myself “What are you doing? Are you really capable of doing this?.” I don’t really know the answers to any of the questions I ask myself but I take a step forward anyways. In the background of all these worries I still feel hopeful as I try to purse a life I love.